Doppler's Distance
by blessende
Summary: When you're in a long distance relationship, even if it's just a couple of million light years apart, you learn to make do with what you have. And especially what you don't have. The story of a fiery star and a frigid planet. Set in the Searching for Levi universe. [LevixEren]


Doppler's Distance

aka The Ghost who doomed Eren's Social Life

[Searching for Levi universe. Set in 2007.]

~.~

The name of Eren's boxing coach was Finlay. Eren called him 'Fin' though the man insisted on being called 'Mister Fin'. Eren refused to call him that because _Mister Fin_ gave him the image of a shark in Don Corleone's clothes, smoking a cigar and that was just so _wrong_. The coach shoved the punching bag in the brunette's face, steering him away from that runaway imagination of his.

'Oye, Jaeger. Concentrate, will yeh. The featherweight quarterfinals are this Saturday! SATURDAY! Did yeh forget?'

Eren nodded. 'Yes, sir. I remember.'

'This is yer last year of high school. Do yeh want to be beaten by Kirstein again? Huh, do yeh?'

'Hell no!' Eren replied, giving a mock jab at the punching bag. From the corner of his green eyes, he could see the aforementioned ashbrown head, training hard in the other end of the arena. Jean's own coach was working the taller boy to the bone.

Eren found Coach Fin's veined hands grasping his head and giving it a vigorous shake.

'I said to concentrate, didn't I?' said Fin, spitting on the floor. (Boxing coaches were always spitting on things and Eren had learnt a long time ago to stay clear off the spitting zone). 'Alrigh', lemme see that straight cut of yours.'

'Yes,' said Eren and he swung his fist forward towards the coach's padded hands. Finlay caught his punch with ease and barked at him to try once again. A hook shot this time. Eren curled his wrist and shot out with all he had but the coach again, defended himself well, sidestepping the boy with ease. Eren launched into a whirl of blows but Coach Fin guarded himself well.

'Jaeger,' the man said, unhappy with the results. 'This is no good.'

'Huh?'

'I know what yer problem is.'

Eren dropped his fists, sapped of energy. Oh boy, here it comes. The lecture on what a slacker he was. 'Let me guess. I'm not putting enough spirit into it?' he asked.

The coach shook his head.

'Ha! On the contrary, yer overdoing it!'

Eren looked at the man, completely dumbfounded.

Coach Fin gave him a demonstration, showing him how to slice his fist through the air and catch the opponent off guard.

'Like this. Yeh have to be like water! Smooth as water. But you! Yeh boy are putting too much testosterone into it. I get it. You've turned eighteen. It's teh age for hormones, yada, yada. I know just what ye' need.'

Eren paled.

'More practice?' he asked with dread.

Coach Fin shook his head again and scoffed, taking in a deep breath.

'Nah. You, Jaeger, need to get laid,' the man announced in his deep, booming voice.

The coach's declaration had left a pin drop silence in the boxing arena. Partners stopped sparring, referees stopped barking rules, the other enthusiasts of the boxing club looked up from their spots to stare at the brunette in bemusement. From across the hall, there was an audible thud. Jean had punched into his bag and had been so startled by Coach Finlay's advice, his head had snapped in their direction, missing the boomerang return of his own punching bag. It hit Jean square on the back of his head, toppling him over like a domino.

Jean's yelp could be heard loud and clear in the silence.

So, could Eren's single worded reply.

'Wh_at_?' blurted out Eren, his dark brown eyebrows shooting skyward.

..-..

Eren lay on his bed, reading patterns on the ceiling dejectedly. His back was sweat drenched from practice and he had been so stumped by Mister Fin's advice, he hadn't even changed out of his boxing shorts. His life until then had been a rollercoaster ride. For one, he was leading the dual, secret life of a PeaceCorp. Secondly, he was graduating both the Training Corps and High School this year. And he didn't know which was scarier of the two. Thirdly, his silly green leprechaun of an Irish Coach wanted him to get laid (by hook or crook). Preferably by Saturday, before the quarterfinals against Kirstein.

Shit. He'd never been good with deadlines.

Of course, there was the bigger problem of who he ought to get laid with. There was only one answer and it was not likely to happen any time soon. Because he was in love with a man eleven years elder to him, his senior, his State sanctioned guardian, a sadistic pokerface with a tendency to make violent threats. And oh yeah, who was also two and a half million light years away. Not exactly the sort of long distance relationship that made for a great, promising sex life. And it didn't help that Levi had decided to blue ball him despite Eren's repeated assurances that no, he did not carry any STD's and that yes, he was capable of a mature relationship.

Eren looked at his wrist watch, wondering if he should call the man.

_You can contact me on Gale if it's a life threatening emergency, brat._

_Emphasis on life threatening._

Eren rued if this particular dilemma of his counted as life threatening. He decided to leg it.

'Gale,' he called out to the Network. 'Connect me to Levi.'

The network clicked once before establishing the connection. There were three rings before his call was finally picked up.

Soon, the cantankerous, surly voice of the Corporal filled the silence of Eren's room. There were no greetings, no false pretences of camaraderie.

'Tell me, you're dying. Because that's the only pardonable excuse you can have for calling me at three am in the morning.'

Eren closed his eyes for a moment, relishing in that voice. He stifled a smile.

'Are you there?' the voice urged.

'Y-Yeah.'

There was a brief silence.

'What the hell is it?'

Eren found that his spirit had deserted him.

'Corporal... I have a situation. My boxing coach thinks...' he gulped, wondering if there was a less blunt way of putting it to words. 'My boxing coach thinks that uh, thatIneedtogetlaid,' he said it so quickly that the words got mashed into one another.

There was a heavy pause. When the seconds stretched to minutes, Eren began to worry that either Gale had lost the link or maybe the man had hung up on him.

But there was static on the connection and Levi spoke after a long moment.

'You have a death wish, don't you, Eren? If your coach wants you to jump from the seventy second storey, do us all a favour and jump. If he wants you to find someone to shag, then do it, you stupid moron. Do I look like a _mailbox_ to you? Do I look like a fucking relationship advice column?'

Eren gritted his teeth.

'You're kidding, right? Do you realise what you're telling me to _do_?'

He heard the smirk in his guardian's tone. 'I am serious. In fact, I'll throw in some free advice too. If it's a girl, make sure you use protection. If it's a boy, make sure you use both protection and lube. Preparation is must whichever sex is stupid enough to fall for you. First time is tricky and painful. No one likes being mauled rough and for fuck sake, try not to bring your Earthly diseases when you come back.'

There was a heavy pause.

Eren pressed his fingers into a fist and a finger hovered over his wrist watch. He was glaring at the dial.

'Yes, Corporal,' answered Eren. 'And you know what? I think I _will_ do it. _Thanks_ a lot,' said Eren, adding 'asshole' under his breath and disconnected from Gale.

Eren pulled out the strap of his comm.. and buried it in his bedside drawer, fuming under his breath.

There was a buzz and Eren realised it was his cellphone. He fished it out of the blazer hanging on his chair and read through the message Armin had sent him. Armin was asking him to check the school's online forum. Eren traipsed over to his laptop computer and booted it. He sat down at his desk and waited, muttering under his breath about the jackass corporal from hell. When he was finally online, he logged in to the school forum and scrolled down through the posts. He found the one Armin had warned him about.

_**EREN JAEGER, looking for an easy lay.**_

_**Gender no bar.**_

_**Contact him at the following number- XXX-XX-XXX.**_

His first reaction to the post was indignation. But then, but then... he thought about the Corporal's advice.

Armin called his cell, sounding frantic on his behalf.

'Don't worry, Eren. I'm sure it's one of Jean's pranks again. We can report this to the administrator-'

Eren shook his head, his jade eyes reading the post for the seventeenth time.

'No,' cut Eren.

'Wait... Did you just say '_no_'?' asked Armin.

'Yes, this is _good_. That asshole thinks I can't get laid, right? Well, I am just about to kill two birds with one stone. It's perfect!'

..-..

It was perfect until the moment there was a knock on his front door and a young man introducing himself as 'Grapevine', stripped himself down to his underwear and curled up against Eren's bedpost. Against Eren's fucking bedpost. The brunette almost had a nervous breakdown. The hairs on Eren's neck stood up and he politely excused himself to the bathroom, where he spent the next quarter of an hour calling Armin.

The blond was late to pick up his call.

'Armin!' Eren hissed.

There was a pause.

'What did you do this time?' asked his best friend in exasperation.

'I've got a naked dude on my bed,' Eren crouched by the door, opened it by a slip and sneaked a glance at his room. The young man was still waiting, posing like The Birth of Venus. '_Very_ naked by the way,' Eren noted emphatically.

'Who the hell is he?' asked Armin.

'I don't have a fucking clue. He says he is from my calculus class. I don't remember seeing him.'

Armin gave a sigh. 'That's because you spent most of your time _sleeping_ in it. Eren, you got yourself into this mess. Get yourself out, buster.'

Eren went pale like a sheet of ice.

'No, don't hang up on me. Come on, Armin. What am I supposed to do?'

Armin snorted. 'Well, I think you should ask that to the naked dude on your bed. I'm sure he'd be very interested in _teaching_ you.'

'Arminnn!'

There was another faint sigh.

'Eren, this is exactly why you need to go on a proper date. And not choose a shortcut.' the blond paused. 'Okay, I have a plan.'

'Plan? What is it?' Eren prompted earnestly.

'Stay put.'

Eren snorted. 'That's your brilliant mastermind plan? STAY _PUT_? And do what? Make _conversation_ with the showerhead?'

Meanwhile in the bedroom of Eren Jaeger, the young man who called himself 'Grapevine' wondered what was taking his new_ beau_ so long. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard beeps. Simple, mechanical beeps. Like an electrocardiograph. He traced the source of the noise to the bedside drawer and found a watch inside. It was a peculiar device, for it had the dial of normal watch but at its circumference, there were small switches. A green, oblique button was lit up and like any other curious teenager of our Earth would be expected to do, he pressed it. Against his better judgment.

'About time,' grumbled an impatient voice.

Grapevine looked at the watch in puzzlement.

Did it just _speak_?

There was a long, awkward stretch of silence.

'You're not Eren, are you?' the voice commandeered its way through their conversation

'No, sir,' said Grapevine, though he wasn't sure why he appended his answer with 'sir'. It just seemed like the proper thing to do.

'You aren't here to sleep with that brat, are you?' asked the surly voice.

Grapevine wasn't sure why he was being given the third degree but he answered yes, that was exactly his intention, _sir_.

There was a small pause.

'I hope you have your will written out,' remarked the ghost.

'My... will?'

'Yeah. And also your gravestone. Because obviously, you're not informed that the boy is suffering from trichomoniasis.'

'Tricho-what?'

'Deadly disease. Sexually transmitted. Incurable. Subject dies within a week. Excruciating pain from day three of onset. Eren is on day two, imbecile.'

'B-But I... haven't heard anything about a trichowhateveritis.'

'That's because it's an epidemic and your government has hushed it up. But trust me, people will be soon falling like dominoes. Considering how you Earthborns fornicate like rabbits, no surprise there. So, do you want to stick around and get a STD for one night's joy ride or do you value what is left of your useless existence? Choice is entirely yours.'

Grapevine shot out of bed, gathered his things and left the room without blinking twice.

When Eren decided to finally emerge out of his bathroom (he got tired of conversing with the showerhead and the toilet), he had a whole speech formed in his head where he intended to apologise to Grapevine and explain that perhaps, _this_ was not a good idea at all.

Except his room was empty.

And so was his bed.

Surprisingly, Eren wasn't disappointed. He was in fact relieved.

Coach Finlay wasn't.

..-..

It was a starry night.

Eren took a can of beer, Oreos (yes, he liked them very much) and his wrist watch to the roof top. He sat down on the cool tiles of the terrace and popped open the beer can, watching the liquid fizz out. He was celebrating his tragic loss at the quarterfinals. Coach Finlay had announced retirement, crying tears of disappointment. Because Eren had been disqualified and Jean declared winner by default. But hey, atleast he managed to land a solid suckerpunch to the horseface before the referee gave a shrill whistle and called a time out. That should count as worth celebrating, right?

Eren rubbed at the bruises on his cheeks, wincing inwardly.

Gale signalled an incoming transmission and Eren lunged to receive it.

Again, there were no greetings.

'So... did you win?' the voice asked, cutting straight to the chase.

Eren gave a chuckle.

'Nope.'

'Despite getting laid? Your coach was way off the mark. It's not a problem with your testosterone, trooper. Admit it, you're just pathetic at fist fights.'

Eren smiled, his gaze moving to the stars.

'Maybe you can teach me, sir.'

'It's bad enough that I have to babysit you. I'm a busy man, brat.'

'And yet, you're here talking to me on a Saturday night. Admit it, you're just lonely.'

'Pfft,' came the response from the other end.

There was a strange, uncalled for silence and Eren traced the constellation of Orion, the glittering stars of the Hunter.

'Hey Corporal,' Eren said, smiling into the communicator. 'It's a great view on this side. How is it on yours?'

He heard the man shuffle. Eren heard the doors to the balcony of 1263 open. The sound of footsteps dwindled down and maybe Levi was outside, trying to look up at the stars too.

'View's terrible. Smoggy as always. And Mrs. Norman's pesky cats are mewling themselves to death like little tragic horrors.'

Eren bit back a smile.

'Well, atleast you have me on this Saturday night, sir.'

'Yeah, you, me... and Gale, huh?'

* * *

..-..


End file.
